My soon to be husband is going into the air force. I can’t stop balling. I’m just really scared, and I don’t know what to think or how to feel. If I miss him now imagine how I’m gonna feel when he is gone? I love him so much. I can’t imagine what I would do without him. I want him to stay. I can’t let him go. I’m so scared.
My first tattoo. It means a lot to me. It’s matching with my best friend. Mine says best and hers says friends. It’s close to me because she close to me.
There comes a time.
I believe the title above will go well with as book I am looking into writing. So far I haven’t even put a dent into t e epilogue yet. But as most people know I suffer from dislexia, ADHD, and sometimes writers block. I never finish what I start except my poetry. Well I would give you a idea what the story is about but I don’t quite know where I am going with it yet. I’ll bring you up to speed later. I love you all.
I’m a cat lover!
Hard to Concentrate
Well, I don’t know wether it is because of the full moon tonight or what. All I know is that today has sucked really bad. Just when I thought is was all going to hell, Justin texts me and tell me how much he loves me and that he thinks about me all the time. In that instint a smile wiped away all the bad. All it takes is him. His words, his smile, his hugs, his warmth and presence. HIs pure and selfless love. Nothing in the whole damn cruel world could make me happy except all those things I said about Justin. Nothing. The only things that can has to come from Justin. I just physically and mentally can’t unless Justin is there. He truely makes me happy. I hope he knows that too. I am so head over heels in love it isn’t even funny at all. I never thought I would get back to this piont after Aaron. This was the last thing I thought would happen to me. I thought I was NEVER going to feel what I felt with Aaron with someone else. But sure enough the one I have been longing for shows up and saves the day. Once again I thank GOd everyday that I have him, and that he is safe and sound. I ask God to watch over him and make sure he has a wonderful day every morning. I HAVE to. God is the in my life and I have no problem saying it. Because He gave me Justin, and I thank him every moment I can for it. My mind may go off into distant space and thing horrible things but if I just trust in myself and Justin and deep down in my heart……I can believe in Justin, and myself. That’s what love is all about.
I miss her….
I miss my mom. I miss her hugs, her kissing me on the cheek. It isn’t easy letting go. She doesn’t bother stopping by to see me. I haven’t laid eyes on her since I left. She doesn’t call or text me back. Why can’t things just be different for the better instead of the worst. I HATE THIS! I hate it more than anything in the whole damn world! MY heart is so broken, she doesn’t seem to care at all. She doesn’t care that I have given myself to God, she doesn’t care that I am doing better in school, or that I am going to church and doing things better. That I am actually finishing books that I start, that I am getting my freedom wherever I need it. I am getting married for God sake I am learning more about myself now more than ever before. I haven’t had a breakdown or a panic attack in months. But I still cry….I cry hard. Me and Justin cry together. It makes me feel like I am not alone. When he shares an emotion like that, I feel like I could cry and cry and cry and he would hold me through it all. All I want is for her to be happy. But she keeps saying I broke her heart….she broke mine first. YOu would think after finding my own father dead it would bring us closer. But it didn’t, if aanything it threw us apart. And her marrying Ricky shortly after, doesn’t help a damn bit. I know I shouldn’t curse but my feelings are coming out so strong right now that I don’t know how to control any of it. I feel like I need a cigerette. I sound just like my father. But I really bad right now. She doesn’t even pay any attention to me. I miss her. I miss the way she said she loved me. Even though it was a doubtful tone. I loved the way she called me her daughter, and that she would not let anyone hurt me. But she hurt me. Why? why did she have to hit me? I just wanna know. After the thousandth time laying her hands on me…did she think that it would make me listen this time? Of course it wouldn’t maybe kind words, and an encouraging attitude would be a better approach. Yes, I am just like my Daddy, but that doesn’t give any right to hate the way I am. I can’t help it. I swear I loved her, and I still do! I COULDN’T RISK MY OWN LIFE ANYMORE! I’m not afraid anymore. Justin made me promise not to go back, and I plan on keeping it. FOr his peace of mind. I will NOT go back. I miss her though. I really do. Who wouldn’t miss the person that gave birth to them? Someone not human I guess.
Well…
Today didn’t go as expected at all….I can’t believe she would say the things she said to me. I want to just crawl in a corner and die. Well, maybe not any more. But I did. Of course, Justin came to the rescue as always. When doesnt he? I meant for real. He never misses a beat when it comes to pleasing me. He doesn’t even have to think about it. He just does it. It’s just remarkable how it does it. I wanna kinda know his secret. :D I want to know a lot of things. But I guess he just does it out of his heart.
