What to do with my life.

I think my life is headed no where for the moment. I am 19 years old and I have no job, no lover, and I still live at home with my mother and step dad. And my twin brother. I also have no car, or driver’s licence and hardly any friends…I mean the ones I do have are just using me for drugs, money cigarettes, etc. I have in a continuous spiral of hellish demise.

I don’t any idea where to start to clean up my life at all. I mean I have been in this routine for a very long time and i can’t just up and dramatically change it for the better.

how do I change things for the better?  

Justin….

Is the kinda guy you never forget about. The type of person who would give the shirt of his back if it meant helping someone in need. The person I still love and hold close my heart. I dont understand.  Then again I’m not as smart as he is. I want to see his face so badly it saddens me. But I know if I do I will be staring for a long time. Because my heart is in it. But my head isn’t. I make choices that aren’t right but my head isn’t clear when he is around. I’m selfish I guess. For thinking I could even think about having someone to myself.  Because it will never happen like that. But I   don’t care. they tell me to try my  hardest…. but then they tell me loving him is wrong?  What about what I want?  Does that even matter?  Does it matter that every night when I close my eyes I see his face. My heart races at the sight of him. It’s there. Everything that people call love is there. So Why can’t I get the wall broken?  The barrier that seems to separate me from his heart. It’s there. It’s up to him….not me. But whatever his decision is I will respect it because I’m in love with him. If he told me he wanted me to rip out my own heart and stomp on it in front of him I would. Because he has the control over my heart. He is the one….but I’m too stupid to see that. People say I’m too stupid to see he is hurting me. No…he isn’t. Besides my dead father he is the only one who has stuck by me for so long. Please don’t push me away……please let me in.

You Anger Me.

Secretly hate you. I secretly just want to beat you down. Like you did my heart and soul.
I dream about it some time. Its the best feeling when you’re down looking up at me begging for mercy, because you can’t hurt me anymore. Its sad to say I am a merciless angel. I never thought I would say that, I always thought you’re my hero. But it turns out you’re not , you never were. You will always be that one person that drags me down it hurts me…. To say these things but since I don’t have the courage to tell you to your face and I probably never will… I will say it here sometimes actually think that you are the only one for me but my heart feels different trapped even. There’s no escape from you, no matter how hard I try I just keep getting pulled down deeper deeper. I know you so if you only use me and nothing else. You take from me but never give. When I love you I hate me. When I cry you laugh you spit in my face. I knew it would be like this…..but I don’t see another person taking interest in me….I don’t know why I’m so dark and revolting. But I am. But all I feel right now is pain. You don’t love me at all…cause if you did…..you’d show it….

Yeah I’m me. :-). And I love it.

Yeah I’m me. :-). And I love it.

No one knows the real me…

No one knows the real me…

I burnt this into me. :) I like it. Needs touching up though.

I burnt this into me. :) I like it. Needs touching up though.

get to know the blog you follow.

send me a message with ONE QUESTION you’ve always wanted to know about me and I will answer it.

Mmmm. I haven’t posted in too long. Love this.

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Unknown….

In a world, such as this one. Is nothing to be happy about. Well, at least that is my opinion. None of this makes sense to anyone but I. To me, this life I am living is a lie. The world I am in slowly kills me as I get closer to the break. My hands shake, unable to write down how I am feeling. But somehow I manage to succeed. It isn’t eligable. But at least the words that threaten my life are out of me now. I write and write and write some more. It all needs to ggo and stop threatening my very existence. I’m sick of it. The black, cold and lonely thing that is sucking the life from me. Sometimes I think it was born in to me. It is what gave me strength when I was weak as a little premature baby. The cold thing kept me a live but now is threatening me. I want it gone. But will it hurt me if I try to let it go? Only time can tell. Then again only time can heal me of this overwelming thing. I feel like a belong in a totally different world. then what I am in.

fuckyeahtattoos:

Tattoo #2. Favorite quote from my favorite book, The Perks of Being a Wallflower. Done at Defiance Tattoos in Kent, OH.

I am totally getting this tattoo.

fuckyeahtattoos:

Tattoo #2. Favorite quote from my favorite book, The Perks of Being a Wallflower. Done at Defiance Tattoos in Kent, OH.

I am totally getting this tattoo.

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