Yeah I’m me. :-). And I love it.
In a world, such as this one. Is nothing to be happy about. Well, at least that is my opinion. None of this makes sense to anyone but I. To me, this life I am living is a lie. The world I am in slowly kills me as I get closer to the break. My hands shake, unable to write down how I am feeling. But somehow I manage to succeed. It isn’t eligable. But at least the words that threaten my life are out of me now. I write and write and write some more. It all needs to ggo and stop threatening my very existence. I’m sick of it. The black, cold and lonely thing that is sucking the life from me. Sometimes I think it was born in to me. It is what gave me strength when I was weak as a little premature baby. The cold thing kept me a live but now is threatening me. I want it gone. But will it hurt me if I try to let it go? Only time can tell. Then again only time can heal me of this overwelming thing. I feel like a belong in a totally different world. then what I am in.
I know I’m digging myself deeper in a hole. But I always fuck up some how. He is gonna get fed up with me and kick me to the curb. I know it. It always happens. Thanks daddy for fucking up my life…. by me watching you as I grew up I’ve learned not to trust people, hurt the people I love the most, and destroy myself little by little. And worst of all. I’m scared I’m gonna die alone just like you did. Why would you want that for me daddy? Why? I thought you really loved me daddy. I truly thought so, since the very first time you held my tiny fragile body in the palm of your hands. You looked at me with your blue eyes daddy….and I looked back with mine. I begged with those eyes daddy. That you would love me and raise me right. And I pleaded for you to watch me grow up daddy. But all you gave me was a dark path to go down daddy. It’s lonely and cold too daddy. Why?
My soon to be husband is going into the air force. I can’t stop balling. I’m just really scared, and I don’t know what to think or how to feel. If I miss him now imagine how I’m gonna feel when he is gone? I love him so much. I can’t imagine what I would do without him. I want him to stay. I can’t let him go. I’m so scared.